A Spouse’s Perspective of Law Enforcement Trauma and Recovery
STEPHANIE KIESOW
As a former cop, I felt somewhat prepared for the traumas and sacrifices that those in law enforcement face daily. What I never anticipated, though, was the overwhelming reality of being a law enforcement spouse once the weight of trauma settled in. I could tell what kind of shift my husband had just by the way he shut the front door when he came home. I observed everyone’s behavior begin to change over time. He and I hardly talked, the kids walked on eggshells and even the dogs picked up on his moods.
Unlike the police academy, I had no learning domains, presentations or education on this subject. There was no guidance, road map or support on how to help my first responder husband during crisis. Over time, I found myself navigating a treacherous landscape filled with shadows — unspoken fears loomed large, and the daunting unknowns of trying to help a struggling partner (amid the lingering stigma in this profession) felt like an insurmountable challenge.
In the case of my cop spouse (as explained by him and with his permission), adverse childhood experiences combined with work-related traumas and maladaptive coping behaviors were the perfect recipe for mental and marital disaster. After several years of marriage, he increasingly became someone neither of us recognized. At the time, I didn’t realize that I had become a mirror to his behavior — a different person, too: angry, resentful, cynical, untrusting. A week before Thanksgiving, while in the third trimester of pregnancy with our third child, I found myself driving my husband to an in-patient treatment facility for first responders in crisis.
The following 60 days were some of the most challenging times for us both. To be honest, it damn near broke us and our marriage. We survived, thankfully, but we carry many mental scars to prove it. A few months later, my husband returned to his patrol shift, and I began receiving text after text from the wives and partners of other cops who had also sought treatment. To comfort others, I had to reconcile with the impact that my husband’s treatment and recovery had on me and our family.
In an effort to help other law enforcement families, here is what I wish someone had told my spouse and me — perhaps it would have saved him a trip to the treatment facility and spared us both the inarticulable stress that followed.
“Talking with” is different than “talking at.” As a cop, I understand command presence, taking charge and giving orders. As a spouse, I also know how unintentionally talking to your partner the same way you would talk to a suspect can negatively impact families. And as a Ph.D. student who researches and studies first responder mental health, I understand how behavior-based conflict between work and home (where the first responder has a hard time “switching” back and forth) can create emotionally detached marriages and negative family dynamics.1 I wish someone would have provided education and information about this early on to mitigate marital strain.
Negativity bias can be contagious.2 Being involved in someone’s worst day — call after call after call — is draining and can harden even the hardest of hearts. Negativity bias, the psychological phenomenon where individuals pay more attention to and place greater weight on negative information or experiences, begins to affect the overall well-being of individuals, family units and even squad dynamics. Recognizing the impacts of always seeing the bad in others (and in life) is the first step toward mitigating this issue.
Intentionally find a circle of friends and a support system outside the department. Initially, due to stigma, I could not talk to department members (i.e., our friends) about what was happening, at his request. Something as simple as organizing a meal train, helping with child care and offering emotional support from friends would have been an enormous relief. The decline in both of our mental health during this time could very likely have been mitigated if we had a better support system.
Counseling — individual and/or marital — is the best proactive and reactive tool in the toolbox. Normalize counseling early on — with recruits, with trainees, with slick-sleeves and above. Ensure it is provided by culturally competent clinicians and bonus points when departments foot the bill as a hiring incentive.
First responders and their families face immense challenges, often to the detriment of the family unit. Supporting law enforcement professionals and their families is vital. This support can be provided through educational and practical strategies that help protect the marriages, families and even lives of those behind the badge.
About the Author
Stephanie Kiesow is a former cop, the wife of a cop and the daughter of two retired cops. She spent 16 years in law enforcement, the last several as a police officer on California’s Central Coast. In 2022, Stephanie left her sworn job to focus on her Ph.D. in industrial/organizational psychology and spends some of her time researching and mitigating work-related contributing factors to suicide within first responder industries. In addition to her educational roles, she works for First Responder Wellness/The Counseling Team International, teaches for the Peace Officer Standards and Training (POST) and Standards and Training for Corrections (STC) with her certified therapy dog Zeena, is a contributing writer and speaker for several publications, creates and implements personalized wellness strategy programs for agencies and is the best-selling author of Workicide. Stephanie has been featured on Law Enforcement Today, the Police Tribune and Blue Lives Matter. In her spare time, Stephanie enjoys spending time with her husband, young children and beloved pets.
- Liu, J., Lambert, E., Kelley, T., Zhang, J., & Jiang, S. (2020). “Exploring the Association Between Work–Family Conflict and Job Involvement.” International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology. doi.org/10.1177/0306624xI9896463.
- Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. (2001). “Negativity Bias, Negativity Dominance, and Contagion.” Personality and Social Psychology Review. doi.org/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0504_2.